Loneliness: Psalms 142:4

 "The most terrible poverty is loneliness." That's what Mother Theresa once said, and I think I agree. I think of Hell as a place where a soul will forever be alone. I say that because, to me, loneliness is a condition so bad that it that can't be fully described. 

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At God Search, we talk about things that could matter, like...
Loneliness

"Look on my right hand and see, For there is no one who acknowledges me; Refuge has failed me; No one cares for my soul." Psalms 142:4

Few of us really believe that no one cares for our souls. We choose to believe, most of us, that God cares for our souls. But there are so many who feel as if no one acknowledges them and that there is no place to turn. We find ourselves in a state of aloneness, even when we're around others, and the once exciting things in life that made us happy, gave us hope, spurred our senses, now only leaves us cold and unaffected.

In no particular order, here are some statements to consider about loneliness...

- We are living in the most connected time in history, and yet, an unprecedented number of us feel isolated. This connection is mostly technological and by definition, lonely-inhibiting.

- If you feel lonely, you are lonely. It's not a simple matter of feeling sorry for yourself. There is a reason for the way you feel, and while some may put the blame on you for the way you feel, the truth is that you are lonely. End of story.

- As the world has modernized, more loneliness has become a part of society. We've isolated ourselves in our boxes (houses), then we get into our boxes (cars) and drive to our boxes (cubicles), only to return to our boxes (houses), until we finally end up in a box (casket). 

- Large-scale studies have shown that the stress that comes from chronic loneliness is among the most unhealthy things we can experience as humans. This stress increases the chances of the most deadly things, like heart disease, cancer, and Alzheimer's.

- Loneliness is twice as deadly as obesity. And sadly, loneliness often increases the chances or severity of obesity. Several valid and reliable studies have shown that a day of chronic loneliness is as deadly as smoking a pack of cigarettes a day.

- Loneliness is a signal to get back to the tribe.

- Loneliness makes you assume the worst about others' intentions towards you. And how does this affect your behavior? It causes you to isolate yourself more than ever, which, in turn, causes you to assume the worst in others more often. 

- The lonely person, over time, starts to believe that others don't want them around AND that they have good reasons for not wanting them around. This, in turn, leads to a greater degree of isolation on the part of the lonely person because why would you want to be around people who don't want to be around you? And the cycle continues.

- Loneliness has to do NOT with HOW many friends you have but rather with how close you feel to the friends you have.

- Loneliness causes us to perceive people as being more socially distant from us than we normally would.

- Social pain activates the physical pain receptors in your brain.

- There is a stigma around loneliness.

- Solitude can be beautiful; loneliness is desperation and never good in any way.

- In loneliness, our brain is trying to tell us that we have an unmet need for connection. This is the reason for the 80% return rate of 16-year-old Amish kids after they've been required to spend two years in the "English" world. The English world provided "things" that the Amish teenager certainly didn't have at home, so why do the vast majority of them decide to return? Answer: They miss the community. They miss physical labor. They miss productive social collaboration. They miss the sense of belonging.

- Loneliness, in part, could be translated to, "I'm looking for a connection to feel less alone, but I don't think anyone cares."

- Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health.

So, can anything actually be done to cure the curse of loneliness? And if so, what? After lots of time spent on listening and reading about this topic, the following two suggestions seemed most common, and to me, the most important:

1. Be aware of the problem, and acknowledge loneliness for what it is: a message that says that you are missing connections with others, which is a buffer from the stress that comes from believing that you are not wanted, appreciated, or needed by others. 

2. Think often and deeply about who you are and what you would like to achieve, then learn to appreciate solitude as a place where you can think deeply about how you can become a part of communities, how you can find purpose beyond your own satisfaction, and how you can pursue contentment through service to and socialization with others.

A few days ago, I stopped at a local park where I used to do a lot of running with a club. I sat in my car, looking out at the beautiful blue sky that framed a lovely green grassy knoll. Several families were enjoying the park: A Dad was playing soccer with his two boys, a Mom sat at a bench, reading a book, while her kids swang on the swings. A small group of teenagers played basketball. I noticed a garbage can next to the walkway, so I grabbed the small trash container in my car, and I dumped it into the can. As I casually walked back, I heard someone yell something. I turned around. I saw a man sitting in his car and recognized him immediately. He used to frequent a local coffee shop that my family and I also frequented and was a student in one of my grad classes over two decades ago. He was once a very handsome, adventurous guy, often on camping and backpacking trips, cross-country cycling with buddies, and traveling throughout the western United States., his stature and overall look had changed, when a few years ago, while doing yard work at his mother's house, he had a major stroke that left him paralyzed on the left side. Eventually, with some therapy, he learned to walk, but he still requires a cane, and he still isn't able to move his left arm. Clearly, he no longer does so many of the things that he used to be able to do--the things that he loved--the things that contributed so much to the meaning in his life. I approached him and he asked, "What are YOU doing here?" and we began to chat. He told me that he no longer frequented the coffee shop; that he just couldn't relate with the guys with whom he used to visit. We talked politics and work and sports and the outdoors. And we talked about the devastating effects of current events on a once thriving, hopeful America; how in just two short years the country had fallen to a place of frustration and hopelessness. As we spoke, I thought about how difficult life must now be for him. I'd say there's a good chance that he now has lots of former friends; that they rarely contact him. Not that they should be expected to--friendships can be very complex. But I couldn't help but wonder what he must now do to keep himself from falling into dark and defeating states of loneliness. I told him that I had been spending three or four mornings a week at the local Starbucks, reading and writing, and that I'd love to meet him there occasionally. He seemed to be interested. I hope he shows up. I know that he has so much to offer, and I'm pretty certain, based upon a few comments that he made while we talked, that he's a really lonely guy. I texted him today, reminding him that I would be doing my usual Starbucks visit tomorrow. I hope he shows.

A few weeks ago at my last haircut appointment, the guy who cuts my hair told me about a new sport that he had discovered called Pickleball. I had never heard of it, and it sounded like lots of fun. I thought that maybe he was telling me about this because he hoped that I might ask if I could join him at it sometime. I listened intently, and while it sounded really intriguing, I convinced gradually myself that it was probably my imagination; that he already had a group of friends he met with and was simply passing the time with smalltalk...so I didn't inquire. But yesterday, after staring at my phone for a while, I texted him. He replied immediately. "Come on by the shop," he said, "My last appointment just cancelled." I did stop by his shop. He had drawn a kind of Pickleball court template on a sheet of paper, and he used it to explain to me about the rules and about things like placement, timing, and other important elements of the game. Then he asked if I'd like to join him next Thursday evening for a game or two. That was yesterday. Today, as I worked on completing this blog, he called, wanting to know if I was free to drive to Lodi to meet he and a group of folks to play. I got on my bike, rode home, jumped in my truck, and headed to Lodi. Something about being around people with similar interests in magical. It calms the lonely soul and raises hope, even if the hope is hard to identify. I'm grateful that Mike took the time to contact me. I've struggled a bit with loneliness over the past few months. Just saying that is hard to do, but I don't want to avoid the truth. And...I don't want to avoid what life has to offer, particularly the availability of others, and the learning, sharing, and friendships that inevitably result from reaching out to others.

And that's today's talk. I hope that something you've heard has been impactful, meaningful, contemplative. Please subscribe to my channel, and be sure to comment if you feel so compelled.

Thank you for listening, and take care.

Steve